The Lumineers - “Hey, Ho”
Wow. I’m a bit ashamed that it’s been so long since I’ve written anything.
I’m very busy this term, but I’m surprisingly happy nonetheless. I’m teaching this term, and working to finish up my current project. I’ve also begun interviewing for tt positions for the fall. I gave a really awesome colloquium in my home department last week, and I’m feeling more confident in my professional abilities than I have in a long time. I’m hopeful that I will find a position for September.
My personal life, while not ‘full,’ is still satisfying. I’m still not on the dating scene, but I’m comfortable with that decision. I spend more time with my friends, and I’ve come to enjoy my alone time too. I spent the holidays with my sister and her family, and I’ve been suffering from a bit of homesickness ever since. It’s not crippling, just bittersweet. I love the work I am doing, and I love my friends, but I really do miss my family. I would like to move closer to family in the fall if I can.
For now, things are good. I feel like I am living in flux, but I’m happy. I’m hoping things will solidify in the next few months so I can start to make plans for the future.
Gin Wigmore - Black Sheep
The last month or so is a blur. Obviously some things stick out (such as the 5 powerless days post-Sandy) but I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy at work and socially. I’ve been catching up on work I let slide post-surgery, and now I’m catching up on a week of campus closure and sending out job applications as well. I’ve also been working on nurturing more of a personal life for myself. I didn’t realize how much of my down time I spent with C, and how much I front-loaded it all on weekends and worked late on weekdays until I was single again.I have work to do in that department, but recognizing the imbalance is the first step. So far so good.
I booked my plane ticket for a Christmas trip to see family last week, so although the next few weeks will be hectic I at least have something to look forward to.
Bruce Springsteen - Dancing in the Dark
Sooooo, Sandy happened. I haven’t had power since Monday night and the power company says it may be Sunday before I have power at home. I’m seriously considering sleeping in my office on campus, which has power. And the internetz. Obviously. It’s like a great big nerdy refugee camp of physicists around here.
I’ve also warned my adviser that he may find cats in our lab/office space over the weekend if my apartment power stays off much longer and the temperature keeps dropping. I’ve respectfully asked him not to leave any radioactive sources lying around in boxes, just in case.
Tonight C emailed me and asked me if I would meet him for tea this weekend.
And then I opened a bottle of 18 year old scotch and eyed my bathtub longingly. (No baths until 6 weeks post-op.)
I’m hurt, angry, and I still love him too much to see him. I don’t trust him, and I don’t trust myself around him. He behaved so badly, and I don’t forgive him. And I know if I see him I might. And then I would never forgive myself.
So. Scotchy scotch scotch. And then bed.
Tyler Hilton - “Won’t Back Down”
Today was a good day. I worked all day on campus for the first time in weeks. I finished a manuscript for resubmission after review, I ran simulations, I made interesting graphs, and I saw an engaging colloquium. I even went for a pint with a friend after work.
And yet, when I came home tonight, a flood of sadness and a sense of loss washed over me. I unlocked the door to my one bedroom apartment, I greeted my cats, and I sank onto my sofa alone. No one was waiting for me to come home. No one was waiting for a call or a text message from me. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t even noticed when the cats started sleeping on the other side of the bed. The half that used to belong to C. And so, while the bed no longer feels too big, it does still feel too empty. And I sat down and cried.
It comes like this, in waves. It ebbs and flows, the sense of grief and loss over what I thought I had. There’s no real rhyme or reason to it that I can see. Sometimes even good days are hard. And all I can do is keep moving forward. Because I feel like if I stop I might suffocate.
Healing takes time. And patience. It’s boring, itchy work my friends. Perhaps the most challenging thing for me right now is to not push myself too hard, too fast. That and not touching the wound itself.
Fact: I am good with neither blood, wounds, nor sticky things.
Changing my bandages/dealing with steri-strips etc. has been tricky. Even without considering the amount of contortion required to deal with these things myself. Contortion that must not include bending or twisting at the waist. AAAAH! Let’s just say I’ve gotten much better at reverse hand-eye coordination in my full length mirror.
I’ve hit the point now, at the two week mark, where I am very, very bored. I’ve been picking at my work, but I’m tired of being in my apartment. I’m tired of not seeing anyone. I talk to my cats too much. I wear pjs too many hours of the day.
I have a follow up apt on Wed., at which I expect to be given the thumbs up to go back to work. I’m going to cheat and go in tomorrow for a half day. After all, healing my body will do me no good if I lose my mind in the process.